Horror Horoscope: 14th September to 20th September

 

It’s Horror Horoscope time again, because the cosmos refuses to mind its own business. Here’s what the stars are threatening you with this week.

Aries: March 21 – April 19

The world is coming to an end. But no one believes you and think you’re a nut or a conspiracy theorist. Your reputation will be severely damaged. As it turns out, the world is not coming to an end, and you hallucinated the whole thing because you have an underlying medical condition. 

Taurus: April 20 – May 20

You will be proud of yourself for receiving a job position in teaching. Unfortunately, in the first week itself, all your students will disappear, leaving you the number one suspect. Everyone will hate you, and the parents will call you a witch. By the end of the week, the students will return but everyone will treat you like a pariah because of your other misdeeds. 

Gemini: May 21 – June 20

You and your twin are always up to no good, but anytime you both get in trouble, it’s always you who gets blamed. Your twin comforts you but secretly you wish they would receive the same punishment as you. When you voice your opinion, your family and friends will think you are crazy and claim you don’t have a twin and that you are losing your mind. 

Cancer: June 21 – July 22

You will find a coin on the road and automatically assume it will bring you luck. Unfortunately it brings you misfortune. You try making a wish, and it doesn’t come true. You trip over things, break a bone, and your friends break up with you. At the end of the day, you use the coin to buy a cup of coffee, and it spills all over you. 

Leo: July 23 – August 22

 Your dreams will come true. Everyone who didn’t believe in you will be jealous of you. But your dreams come at a cost. Turns out the other people around you are not only eccentric, they also dabble in witchcraft. You will be asked to join them or lose your dream. Turning into a witch is a small price to pay for your dreams, so you will acquiesce. 

Virgo: August 23 – September 22

Your partner is cheating on you. You don’t have proof but you can feel it and that is good enough for you. The relationship begins to fall apart because of this suspicion, and soon enough your partner breaks up with you because they think you have mental issues. Later in the week you will remember that you had dreamed up the whole thing. 

Libra: September 23 – October 22

Everything goes right in your life. It’s surprising, of course considering the bad luck you’ve been facing for years. Your cute neighbor asks you out. Finances improve. You are respected in your career. Your family loves and support you. At the end of the week, when you wake up, you will find yourself in a hospital. Turns out you were in a coma after getting hit by a bus. You will have to pay the hospital bill. 

Scorpio: October 23 – November 21

Usually animals don’t care for your presence but this week they will be extremely hostile towards you. Dogs will bark at you, cats will scratch you, a bird will poop on your head. You will wonder why everyone despises you, only to find that you are carrying around a cursed object. Once you get rid of it, you will find that animals still dislike you because of your nature. 

Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21

You will plan a weekend getaway with your friends. They will all ditch you at the very end. Except for one. You both will go on a hiking trip, get lost, run out of supplies, and become a target for wildlife. At the end of the week you will be found but realize that your friend didn’t actually come with you and you imagined the whole thing. 

Capricorn: December 22 – January 19

You are sitting on a high horse. The world revolves because of you, or at least that is what you like to tell yourself. Your pride will get you in trouble as people begin to avoid you. Isolated, you will learn the error of your ways but by then people have moved on, and you are left locked in a tower because people are fed up of your rhetoric. 

Aquarius: January 20 – February 18

An escaped animal finds your home and takes shelter. You will be unaware of this until it begins to mutate and leaves droppings all over the house. It is only when you clean the house that you find the mutated animal who now refuses to leave the house or pay rent. In fact, it will insist you feed it exotic food. 

Pisces: February 19 – March 20

You will go on a shopping trip and find a store where the saleswomen are charismatic enough to make you spend more than you wanted to. Interestingly, they will also ask you to join them and that is when you will learn you are joining a cult. You will have new friends, but their rules are rigid enough to make you wonder if you will survive the week.